Barty Needs Air
by lunamoon2012
Summary: One of Eve's friends gets dropped off at Myrnin's. Of course, his idea of fun is to get high on some of his crystals. A crazy dream takes Myrnin into a world of absolute craze. Rated something because I feel like it. Co-written with Flying Penguinz
1. Vitamin M: The Dream

**Barty Needs Air**

Myrnin and Dannie were lying on the floor of his lab looking up at the ceiling. She was one of Eve's friends that Eve and told Myrnin to watch. He had shrugged and offered her a jar of his crystal medication.  
Now... They were both completely wasted on Myrnin's special Vitamin M.  
"Dannie?" Myrnin asked, tilting yet another jar of strawberry crystals into his mouth.  
"Yeah, Myrnin?" Dannie replied lazily.  
"I'm sleepy..." complained Myrnin.  
Dannie said bluntly, "Then go to sleep." She took another handful of crystals and dumped them in her mouth.  
"Fine," Myrnin said, yawned, and fell right asleep.

~~~  
Myrnin woke up to the sound of Ada's voice.  
It was a beautiful sound... Like a choir of angels all humming a tune in perfect harmony.  
And then, it was interrupted by the grating sound of Oliver. Myrnin shuddered. He didn't like that old hippie.  
"Don't throw spiders at me, Ada!" he was yelling.  
"You fucking deserve it, you old fucking hippie!" Ada yelled back.  
Oliver then retorted with something Myrnin really did not want to say, but had to for the sake of this story. "SCREW YOU UP THE BUTT, LADY!"  
"Shut up, you dumb pothead! That would hurt!" Ada replied. This conversation was already going somewhere Myrnin didn't think he wanted to hear. He sat up and was in his lab, Dannie was gone.  
"It would not! It'd be quick and fast!" Oliver retorted.  
Myrnin turned the corner of his lab and then somehow entered Common Grounds. Oliver and Ada were having a shouting match in Oliver's coffee shop that was empty except for them.  
And then Dannie walked in, wearing pajamas and a disgusted expression. "Dad!" she groaned, "gross!" Wait... Dad?  
Oliver stood there for a minute, nervous that Dannie-his daughter-heard him talking about screwing Ada up the... Anyway, Myrnin wanted to show Oliver what right he had to touch Ada.  
But when Myrnin went up to speak to Oliver, he didn't notice him. Myrnin tried to punch him in the nose, but his hand just went right through him. Oliver didn't even notice him.  
What the hell?  
"I told you to go to bed!" Oliver shouted at Dannie.  
"You wanna fuck Ada in the ass! NO! I'm not going to let you!" she shouted. Well, if Myrnin couldn't speak for himself in this place, Dannie would.  
"I SAID GO TO FUCKING BED!" Oliver yelled.  
Ada just was standing there looking awkward.  
Then, all of a sudden, Oliver pulled down his pants and whipped out a thing that looked like a toothpick.  
Ada's eyes widened as she looked at it. "Is... is that your penis?"  
"Yes! You're the first person ever who's gotten it right on the first guess!" Oliver said.  
"It looks like a Tic-Tac!" Ada screamed. I laughed. I had to agree, it did look like a Tic-Tac.  
"It is not a Tic-Tac," Oliver said indignantly, glaring at Ada. Then he looked down at his dick and poked it.  
Dannie stared. "Eww... I want my other dad... Myrnin..." What? Myrnin was Dannie's father? "Myrnin!" she yelled. "GET ME OUTTA HERE!" She covered her eyes and said to Oliver, "Put it away, Dad!"  
Oliver pet his penis and said, "Never. And besides, Barty needs air."  
"You named it?" Ada asked, stricken.  
"Of course, who doesn't?"  
"I think I puked in my mouth," Dannie said. She looked a tinge green.  
Then, Oliver took off his penis and threw it at Ada. Ada dodged it, and laughed at Oliver.  
"It's gone! You lost your penis!"  
"I did not! I can regrow it!" Oliver made a constipated-looking face and then there was a new penis, smaller than the first. Oliver must have taken it off and regrown it several times for it to have gotten to be the size it was.  
"I shouldn't be seeing this," Ada said. No, Ada was loyal to Myrnin.  
"Neither should I," Dannie said, shuddering.  
Oliver snared to Dannie, "Well, if you went to bed when I told you to, this wouldn't be happening, would it?"  
"No," Dannie said, "you would be sticking Barty so far into Ada's asshole she'd die from brain aneurysms."

~~~  
Myrnin then woke on the floor of his lab, tears leaking out of the corner of his eyes and rolling into his hair.  
Dannie was slapping his face and calling his name. "Hey," she said. "You were saying weird things in your sleep."  
"Like what?"  
"...'Don't rape her' mostly. Dude, those were some crazy drugs. What are they?"  
"My medication."  
"...Whoa."

* * *

A huge thanks to Flying Penguinz for Co-Writing this with me :P

Now review fools xD

Lots of Love,

Lunamoon2012 (A.K.A. Dannie Elle)


	2. Barty Party: Confronting Oliver

Myrnin rubbed his eyes, looking around to see his lab in the usual untidy chaos.

"Dude."

He sighed tiredly. "Yes?"

"Soo... did you dream the same thing I did?"

Myrnin's eyebrows furrowed. "It depends. Did you dream about Oliver and—"

"Barty?"

"Yes!"

Dannie sighed, shaking her head, and closing her eyes tightly. "I don't want to remember."

"So, was it exactly the same?" he asked.

"I don't know. How did yours end?"

Myrnin made a face, trying desperately to remember the ending. "You said something about brain aneurysms and..." Myrnin stopped as it all came back to him. "Ada and Oliver..." He thought he was going to be sick. He cringed, but then brightened slightly. "At least they didn't actually _do_ it."

Dannie made a shocked face. "In mine, they _did._" Myrnin's mouth dropped. "Yeah," she said, "you're the luckier one. I had to watch _everything._ Why me? Seriously..."

Myrnin shuddered. "Do you really think Oliver has a... a _thing_?"

"A detachable penis? Named Barty? My guess? _Yes_." The vein below her eye twitched.

Myrnin's eyes went wide. "Should we ask him?"

Dannie gave him a look that seemed to ask, _Are you crazy? _He just nodded. "Fine," she said, "you're insane. But... okay."

Myrnin opened a portal. Dannie looked at him questioningly, but he merely shook his head, shoving her through the portal and into Common Grounds. They walked out of the back rooms Myrnin had portaled them to, and to the bustling room filled with busy students, up to the front desk.

"Oliver," Myrnin said, "we have a question."

Oliver glared. "What."

"Is your penis named Barty?"

The room grew quiet.

"What? No!" A definite blush grew in his cheeks and his response was too slow.

"He's lying," Dannie said. "HE'S LYING!" she shouted, for the whole room to hear.

"Oliver! Drop your pants!" Myrnin hollered.

A unanimous NO sounded throughout the shop.

"I am _not_ dropping my pants for you, Myrnin."

"Fine." Myrnin turned around and spoke to everyone. "People gathered at Common Grounds here today, I have news. Horrible news. Oliver's penis is detachable. And when it comes off, he must regrow it. Whenever he does this, it becomes smaller than before. And it is named Barty. He pets it, gives it air... but he never feeds his pet. Barty is deprived of anything to thrive off of. Therefore, Oliver is a sexless vampire that you should all stay away from."

There was a simultaneous groan from the crowd and then they all stood up and ran out of the shop.

Oliver stood there with a half-filled cup of espresso. Dannie and Myrnin stood there, gazing silently until

Oliver spoke. "How did you find all of this out?"

"A dream," Dannie said seriously. "A bad, traumatizing dream. A dream that should _never_ be shared with anyone else. Well... at least the ending to the one _I_ had. What about yours, Myrnin?"

Myrnin stared at Oliver menacingly. All he did was walk up to him, point at him threateningly, and say, "Don't _ever_ do Ada in the butt."

With that, he walked out, Dannie following close behind.


	3. IMPORTANT :D

**Hey guys! Can you please do the pole on my profile? I wont update until I get votes!**

**Lots of Love,**

**Lunamoon2012**


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